Enthusiast rallies for 'coaster studies' to be included in national curriculum

After failing year 12 last year, coaster fan Sam Binns is appealing to the Australian government to include a topic based around roller-coasters in the national curriculum.

The enthusiast, who believes coaster studies should replace english, says he would have passed high school had coaster-studies been a part of his school's syllabus.

"Everyone already knows how to talk, so why do we need to learn english?" Binns said, in an exclusive interview. "Coaster studies would be a much more sensible subject to include in the course. I even posted a topic on the Australian Theme Park News forums, and they all said I was a genius."

When asked whether this may have something to do with the fact that the average forum-member IQ is 14, Binns was lost for words.

"Shutup," he eventually murmured.

Binns will take his case to parliament next week, where he hopes to persuade Julie Bishop - the minister of education, that teaching english is obsolete, and that coasters are the "wave of the future."

Enthusiast returns 172 page-long guest satisfaction form

Coaster enthusiast Evan Churchson today returned his completed guest satisfaction form to Gold Coast theme park Dreamworld, after spending the last 2 weeks filling it in. The enthusiast, who has been described as "lonely and pedantic" by family members, detailed his experience at the park, declaring it "about as fun as root canal".

The enthusiast mailed the completed form to Dreamworld via Express Post, saying "the sooner Dreamworld get it, the better".

"Dreamworld are lucky to have someone like me come in and critique the park," he said arrogantly. "Otherwise how would they know what they're doing wrong? I mean, the place is a mess - rude staff, broken down attractions, trash everywhere, high prices, poor themeing, lame Flowrider and, to top it all off, there's no B&M!"

After posting his completed form on the Roller-Coaster.com.au forums, Churchson was unforgivingly flamed by Dreamworld fanboys.
"Who does he think he is?" said user dreamworld_rulz. "Dreamworld is the best god-damned theme park in the universe, they do everything right! How dare he speak ill of them.

"Movie World sucks," he added.

Churchson will return to Dreamworld next year, where he will fully evaluate and monitor the parks progress.

Enthusiast calls for themeing update

In an astonishing act of ignorance, coaster enthusiast Sam Boyle has slammed Gold-Coast theme park Dreamworld for under-themeing their new Intamin coaster, calling it "the worst themeing since Cyclone", despite the coaster not having been completed, or even announced yet.

"I'm not happy with the lack of theming for the new ride," said a dissatisfied Boyle. "All they have done is removed the vintage cars, It's just not good enough!
"I want each and every motorbike on the ride to be a unique American Chopper creation," he added.

When questioned on what he believes the themeing should incorporate, Boyle had this to say: "They could do a Superman themed bike. Come to think of it, they could give the ride a movie theme. Batman, Scooby Doo and even the Road Runner could have bikes themed after them. Maybe they could even make a Bermuda Triangle themed bike!"

Unfortunately, when it was pointed out to Boyle that the suggestions he had thought of all revolved around Warner Village trademarks, he was stunned.

"Look, I don't want to get into technicalities," he said. "This interview is over."

-BN

Ahem

The level of unprofessionalness here is high. Sorry about that.