Enthusiast ‘immensely disappointed’ Over One Train Operation

When coaster enthusiast David Newson visited Dreamworld last week, he was ‘very disappointed’ in the park, for running just one train on their looping coaster, Cyclone.

“When you pay so much for admission to the park, I think it’s fair to assume they’ll be running more than one train,” commented the enthusiast. “It is quite disappointing, really.”

When Newson was informed by AAL that the coaster could only run one train, Newson appeared disconcerted.

“No, I’m pretty sure it can run two. What would you know? Sometimes it runs two trains, just not often,” said Newson. “I think I would know.”

Newson then educated AAL about the second train of Tower of Terror ‘that no-one knows about’. “They never use it due to power issues, but it exists. I know a lot about this kind of stuff; I’m on quite good terms with Dreamworld management,” told the 13 year-old enthusiast, whilst overtly picking his nose.

“See, I know more about coasters than you. I win,” added Newson.

Mac Leisure Goes Global

Yesterday Macquarie Leisure, the owners of Dreamworld, announced plans to expand into the international market with the acquisition of 17 adult entertainment complexes in the US.

Representative’s from the Australian company said Macquarie have been interested in the adult entertainment industry for a few years now, and also announced plans to expand the risqué business into Australia.

“The acquisition of 17 strip clubs provides an exceptional growth platform into the US adult entertainment market for Macquarie Leisure,” said Chairman Neil Balnaves. “The acquisition will also help to expand and develop the Australian adult entertainment industry.
“We’re even looking to transform our current theme park, Dreamworld, into Australia’s largest adult entertainment complex. In fact, we’ve already purchased the Gerbil-Coaster from Sexpo, and are looking at the possibility of transforming the Wiggles Big Red Car ride into a ‘Turkey-Slap’ themed dark ride.”

Balnaves also said extensive research has been conducted into the US market. “This was no overnight decision. My colleagues and I have been regularly visiting these establishments for ‘market-research’ purposes.”

The controversial announcement has sparked outrage on online message boards. “They can’t just turn Dreamworld into a huge strip club! I’m proposing a petition and full boycott of Dreamworld until these plans are scrapped,” said theme-park fan Jeremy Wilson.

Dreamworld management were contacted, but refused to comment on the issue.

Two Month Study Concludes

Last month, a study was launched with the aim of identifying the most common searches by coaster enthusiasts in Australia. The study, which was supported by search engine Google, would track 20 coaster fans for two months, and, at the conclusion of the study, the results would be tabulated into frequency of certain search terms.

The results of the study are shown below (top 10 Google searches by coaster enthusiasts).

1 - How to unlock PTC restraints
2 - Coaster Porn
3 - Rent out Dreamworld for day cost
4 - Ronald McDonald
5 - Bacon
6 - Chat room make friends
7 - Colonel Sanders' 11 herbs and spices
8 - Boobies
9 - Bulk order Clearasil
10 - How to pick up hot chicks

The results of the study will be sent to Oxford University for further assessment.

New Slogan Coming Soon

Today yet-to-open amusement website DreamNeva.com announced they will be changing their current slogan. DreamNeva will soon alter their catchphrase from ‘Go over the edge’ to simply ‘Coming Soon’.

“We just use it more,” commented site representative Allison Tikband.

AAL have been given exclusive rights to publish a preview banner.

Zencoaster Owner in Custody

In a late-night raid, last night Zencoaster webmaster Tim Patritzia was arrested, in claims the website was seriously involved in a breach of the human rights act.

Line 42, on page 837 of the act states: no human being shall be subject to viewing that horrible hippy-style font, found on Zencoaster.com, no matter what the circumstances.

The horrendousness of the font, which is overshadowed only by the webmaster’s choice of colour, has caused hundreds of heart attacks on unsuspecting enthusiasts. Hospitalised coaster-fan Henry Yorke commented: “I thought I’d check it out; you know, see what was going on with Zencoaster. When the page loaded, I was kind of shocked, and I felt a tingle in my left arm. Few minutes later, I’m sitting in the back of an ambulance. Man, that font was bad.”

Enthusiasts nationwide have been pleading to the webmaster of the upcoming site to replace the font: “For the love of God, change it,” said one enthusiast. “All we’re asking for is that the font is changed, the sooner the better. It really is dreadful”

Webmaster Patritzia will appear in court tomorrow, and, if found guilty, will be subject to the death penalty.

Bad Week for Enthusiasts

Vekoma and f*ck: these are the two words that have been filling many coaster enthusiasts’ heads for the last 12 hours.

When it was reported on Roller-Coaster.com.au last night that Dreamworld have allegedly signed a contract with disreputable coaster company Vekoma, enthusiasts everywhere lamented.

“F*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck sh*t f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck f*ck,” mourned enthusiast Gordon McWhine.

“This is an absolute travesty,” added McWhine. “I can’t believe they’d do this - - I mean, a Vekoma! What the hell were they thinking? First they give us a second-hand Arrow looper, and now a Vekoma! I can’t help but get the feeling they’re patronising us.”

The unofficial announcement comes just two days after Dreamworld announced they would be extending their contract with Southern Star, the group responsible for controversial reality TV show Big Brother. “First they extend Big Brother for another 3 years, and now they’re getting a Vekoma! What the hell is happening? Dreamworld, you suck,” said pessimistic enthusiast Ken Tilley.

Some enthusiasts are so paranoid about the issue, that they are suspecting a conspiracy theory. “My theory is that the staff of Roller-Coaster.com.au and OzCoaster are joking with us,” said South-Australia resident Larry Jordan. “I mean, they must be. Everyone knows Dreamworld are meant to be getting a B&M in 2007, its general knowledge. This is totally crap.”

Other coaster-fans looked optimistically upon the announcement. “Maybe it’ll be a good one; I mean, it might be a prototype, and Vekoma have been using those new trains lately, which people say are smooth,” commented enthusiast Jacob Wilkes. “Oh, who am I kidding, it’s a Vekoma! It’ll suck,” added Wilkes, after bursting into tears.

Enthusiast Searches for Love

Coaster enthusiast Frank Reynold has never been very popular with the ladies. In fact, just last night he was rejected on 17 different occasions at the same bar. Only now, has he realised, it will take more than his ‘amazing knowledge of coasters’ to attract members of the opposite sex.

It was while he was being rejected by a woman named ‘Sarah’ that he realised his coaster-related jokes weren’t working. “I was telling her about why Son of Beast’s initials are so humorous, when she suddenly looked at me strange and told me she 'had to go'," said Reynold. “That one usually gets heaps of laughs on the forums, so I figured she might like it. I guess I was wrong.”

Reynold says although it is weird women don’t like talking about coasters; he’ll have to stop if he wants to ‘pick up’. “From now on, when I talk to the ladies, I’m going to start focusing on my other hobbies, such as playing the bagpipes, making artwork out of my toenail clippings and picking my nose.”

Despite Reynold’s efforts, AAL believes it will take a lot more than a personality change to make him popular amongst the women. AAL fashion consultant Carson Presley believes Reynold will have to undergo ‘major cosmetic surgery’, and possibly even a ‘suction lipectomy’. “Oh yeah, that fatass needs some serious surgery,” says Presley.

In an attempt to meet women, Reynold will be visiting the site of ill-fated theme park Wonderland Sydney next week, and puts out an open invitation to anyone who would like to meet with him. “If there are any ladies who want to check out the Wonderland site, you’re welcome to join me. I’m not a creep or a weirdo or anything.”

New Logo Launches

Today Warner Bros. Movie World revealed the logo for their upcoming S&S tower - Batwing: The Flight. The logo, which was designed by the same firm who infamously created Movie World’s website, features a seemingly random lightbulb and shopping trolley, and appears to have been made using paint.

Movie World’s general manager Steve Peet called the logo ‘avant-garde’, and said the logo represented the new direction Movie World are taking in the industry. AAL have been granted exclusive permission to publish the logo, which, in our opinion, looks rather cheap and unsightly.

AAL yesterday asked Movie World guests what they think of the new logo. Rocket Scientist and intellectual William Saffren commented: “Yes, I do believe the emblem shows visible signs of ingenuity, but the level of inventiveness also directly relies on the usage of certain colours and shades, which are clearly not present in this insignia. The lightbulb and shopping trolley are clearly symbols circuitously representing the manner in which society has gradually degraded over time, leaving us to a world of discount lighting, K-Mart trolleys and launched tower rides. Genius, I say.”

Other members of the public weren’t so contemplative. “I could’ve pulled a better logo out of me ass,” commented plumber and bogan Paul Walsh.

Batwing: The Flight is scheduled to open late this year.

Suicide Rate on the Rise

Following today’s announcement that Dreamworld have extended their 5 year contract with the Southern Star group (the production group responsible for reality TV show Big Brother) for another 3 years, suicide rates have risen dramatically, say police officials.

“Pretty much as soon as the announcement took place, the suicide help line’s switchboard went crazy,” commented Police Federation of Australia president Mike Burgess. “Unfortunately, people felt that self-termination was the only answer to Big Brother’s wrath.”

Suicide rates have increased 206% from the same time last year, and the issue is even worrying Prime Minister John Howard. “That show is stupid; I don’t think their contract should be extended at all,” says the Prime Minister. “I think Channel Ten really needs to rethink their programming.”

Big Brother executive producer Kris Noble, on the other hand, was adamant the increase in the suicide rate is not due to the show’s contract being extended. “This is Big Brother; Mike Burgess, you are not to speak about the rate of suicide being directly linked to the extension of our contract, that is all,” commented Noble.

Enthusiast Outraged

When South-Australian coaster enthusiast Nick Gates yesterday attempted to board Warner Bros. Movie World’s Road Runner Rollercoaster, he was abruptly refused entry to the popular kiddie ride, told witnesses.

“They told me unless I have a kid, I’m not allowed on”, said the coaster enthusiast, who ‘just wanted the credit’.
“I don’t think it’s very fair; I’m not a paedophile or anything, I just wanted to add to my coaster count.”

Movie World staff told AAL that normally everyone is welcome on the coaster, but Mr Gates looked ‘a bit shifty’. “What kind of non-child bearing 43 year old wants to ride a kiddie coaster anyway? I think we made the right decision in denying him entry to the ride. Our number one priority is guest safety,” said public relations manager Yvonne Naylor.

The issue has sparked controversy among the coaster community. “Everyone has a right to that credit - for Movie World to deny this man a ride because he didn’t have a kid is just plain prejudice,” commented credit-whore Eric Hentleson. “This is a complete disgrace. Movie World should be ashamed of themselves,” added a shirtless Hentleson, after finishing an expired jar of mayonnaise which he found in the back of his refrigerator.

Gates has told AAL legal action will definitely be taken against Movie World, and that we should ‘watch the papers’.

ACL Derails

Up-and-coming Australian coaster club ACL has hit a snag, says owner Gregory Warrenson. “The f*cking government says we can’t serve beer to under 18’s. What fun is a coaster club if the members aren’t fuelled by alcohol? We’re looking at making the club exclusive to people over 18, but doing that would have repercussions. I mean; the member numbers would drop intensely".

The issue comes as a shock to many enthusiasts who were looking forward to the complimentary food and beer the club was planning to offer. Enthusiast John from Coomera commented: “Well, I was kind of looking forward to eating all that food, and drinking all that beer, but what can you do? I guess I’ll just have to put up with the Sizzler”.

After falling into the Dolphin enclosure at Sea World, a very much drunk Warrenson added: “Beer majk funjy izt awaytez”. Warrenson was then escorted out of the park by uniformed security guards.

Unfortunately, Mr Warrenson was later arrested for public drunkenness and possession of illegal narcotics. Stay tuned for further updates regarding Warrenson’s imprisonment.

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Post with the Most

In what will become a regular feature, ‘Post with the Most’ will focus on the most idiotic, pointless or just plain sh*t post from Australian theme park forums. Every week AAL will handpick a post which we think deserves the honour of being named the weeks ‘Post with the Most’.

This weeks Post with the Most goes to ‘Wonderland on google earth’ by Roller-Coaster.com.au member ‘shadowshadi’. The extremely detailed and informative post affirmed: “you can still see wonderland on google earth”; without even providing any links to Google Earth’s website. The pitiable post not only lacks interesting or detailed content, but also abandons the use of capital letters, and lacks full stops. Congratulations Shadowshadi, yours is this weeks Post with the Most!

Ride Op Not In The Loop

Whilst visiting Dreamworld last Wednesday, enthusiast Andrew Jones took advantage of a rare opportunity: correcting a ride op. Whilst waiting for Dreamworld’s looping coaster Cyclone to be dispatched, the ride op nonchalantly announced over the PA: “Make sure you smile for the cameras between the two loops!”

At hearing this, the vigilant enthusiast shrieked: “The first inversion is a reverse sidewinder! What are you, an idiot?”

“Guest relations will most certainly be hearing about this”, added the enthusiast. “If she thinks she can get away with this incontestable act of ignorance, then I’m sorry, but she is gravely mistaken.”

When questioned about the incident, ride op Jessica Carter commented: “Yeah, he did yell at me. When I saw he was wearing a Tower of Terror shirt, had numerous pimples and was unaccompanied, I kind of felt bad for him, and so I didn’t really mind the insults. The other ops and I just laughed at him for a while, and then forgot about it.”

Enthusiast Jones has been hailed by other members of the coaster community, who say ride operators should ‘get these things right’. “These people don’t get paid $9 an hour to make up crap like that”, said Dean Papanonoroes, a coaster enthusiast. “I think this person should definitely be sacked”, added the lowlife.

AAL is currently attempting to contact Dreamworld management about the incident.

Saucy Shirt Troubles Enthusiast

In what has been described as a ‘loss of terrific proportion’ and the ‘most shocking thing to happen this week’, coaster enthusiast James Gasnier yesterday spilt tomato flavoured sauce on his favourite coaster shirt, said sources.

The incident, which occurred at approximately 13:40, was sparked by a faulty Four'N Twenty meat pie, said witnesses. “It kind of fell apart in his hands, leaving sauce all over his shirt,” said onlooker Shelly Sullivan.

The garment, believed to carry the logo of Intamin Accelerator coaster Superman Escape, was reportedly in good health yesterday morning. “You want to know about my son’s shirt? Umm...James wore it out this morning; I haven’t been in contact with him since,” commented James’ mother, who wanted to remain anonymous. “Who the f*ck cares if he spilt some sauce on it? Bloody psychos,” added the lackadaisical mother.

The incident has friends of Gasnier worried. “He has an un-healthy obsession with coasters. He’ll probably cry for a few hours when he realises what he’s done, and not leave his bedroom for a few weeks,” said therapist Michael Quill. “I guess it is kind of pathetic for a 29 year old to live with his parents and spend all his time looking at pictures of coasters on the internet, but what can you do”?

AAL attempted to get in contact with Gasnier via telephone, blackberry, SMS and e-mail, but attempts were unsuccessful.

New Podcast, Old Ideas

Today coaster enthusiast and self professed computer-geek Jeremy Knight announced plans for an amusement industry podcast which will be released weekly, and will focus specifically on the happenings of the Australian amusement industry. “The shows will be released weekly, and will be an informative look into the Amusement industry”, said Knight.

The show, which is to be recorded in Knight’s bathroom ‘because of the good acoustics’, will be very much comparable to the CoasterRadio.com podcast, and will feature regular weekly segments including ‘Coaster Trivia’, which will heavily rely on audience participation; ‘What’s that Coaster’, where audience members try to guess the coaster using clues which will be revealed weekly; and ‘Coaster Toaster’, where listeners ring up and complain about their most hated coasters or rides.

“We’re also going to be broadcasting live from various theme parks around Queensland,” commented Knight. “We might even explore the possibility of sneaking some recording equipment onto the rides or coasters.”

A release date has not yet been set for the first installment, but stay tuned to AAL for updates.

PaperBurner Announced

Overdue coaster website DreamNeva.com announced today their forums will be undergoing a major redevelopment, in which all posts will be deleted as soon as the ‘Post’ button is clicked.

The new forums, entitled PaperBurner (Version 1.0) will be ‘a revolutionary step forward in the Australian tourism industry’, and will ‘open new doors in the field of post deletion’.

Site representative Julia Ogilvy said: “Deleting posts is a large part of our site - we delete the ones that we don’t agree with, and also the ones that just plain make us look stupid. So, with our new system, ‘PaperBurner’, as soon as the ‘post reply’ button is pressed, the post will be instantaneously deleted. It really is a great idea. We’ll just save so much time”.

PaperBurner has been criticised by advocates of free speech, who believe forums are a place for open and free discussion. “Where would our country be if the government just silenced everyone who they disagreed with”, said freedom-fighter and coaster enthusiast Ron Mason.

The PaperBurner system will commence October, but much like the parent site, is subject to delay.

Enthusiast Makes Fatal Error

Yesterday evening Australian coaster enthusiast Kevin Wiltmore was shocked to discover what had been sent to him over popular instant messaging program MSN Messenger. Wiltmore had just enjoyed a two-course meal at his Brisbane home when he returned to his PC to discover what had been typed by internet buddy Braden Keen.

Wiltmore commented: “I had just come back from dinner, and my status on MSN was ‘Out to Lunch’. I didn’t think anyone would have said anything to me, but I was wrong, very wrong. Coaster enthusiast and friend, Kevin (known as Coasterrider4242 on message boards) had sent me a message displaying his love for Intamin Accelerator coaster ‘Kingda Ka’, problem was, he spelt it ‘Kinda Ka’. Can you believe it? We’re talking about the tallest and fastest coaster in the world here people! How could anyone spell it wrong? People like this just make me so angry, I’m sorry.”

After recovering from a fit of lamentation, Wiltmore added: “Not to worry though, as soon as the incident occurred, I blocked Braden faster than Hypersonic XLC’s launch. I’m glad I’ll never have to speak to that noob again!”

Cyclone Defaced

In a heartless act of vandalism, today Brisbane youth Russel Watson scratched his name into a seat on the Cyclone roller coaster at Dreamworld. The coaster, which is infamous for it’s roughness and boring layout, has lately become a popular target for vandalism.

“It was really rough and just generally crap, so I figured it deserved it some mindless destruction. I just put my initials in the seat, nothing too major. My mate Johnny wrote something really funny on another seat, but it’s probably too rude to tell,” commented Watson.

The incident has Dreamworld management worried about the fate of their second hand Arrow looping coaster. Dreamworld CEO Stephen Gregg commented: “Cyclone is one of the tallest high speed gravity roller coasters in the Southern Hemisphere - we can’t just have these rowdy teens vandalising it because they think its crap, I mean, what do they know about coasters? I guarantee if you ask any roller coaster enthusiast they’ll tell you Cyclone is marvellous; the best coaster in Australia. We just can’t have this kind of thing happen, it’s unacceptable”.

The offenders were ejected from the park, and will be allowed back in after their one week ban is lifted.

Tourist visits Luna Park, mispronounces ‘Melbourne’

Yesterday American tourist and avid coaster fan Aaron Dickson visited Luna Park Melbourne purposely to ride the Scenic Railway, sources reported. “To tell the truth it was pretty boring; probably not worth the trip to Melbourne. It was alright, just nothing special, and kind of rough,” professed Dickson. Dickson specifically planned his journey to Australia to include a trip to Melbourne, to ride the world’s oldest continually operating roller-coaster – The Scenic Railway, which has operated at St. Kilda since 1912.

Mr Dickson was then asked about the park's other roller-coasters. After recovering from laughter he replied “Good one, buddy. Oh, you’re serious? Uh, yeah, Metropolis is alright…" Mr Dickson then trailed off, and went into a fit of uncontrollable laughter.

Dickson will return to his home town Albuquerque next week.

Australian Coaster Lovers Update

Developing coaster club ACL, or ‘Australian Coaster Lovers’ will hold regular members-only events at theme parks around Australia, says President and founder Gregory Warrenson.

Mr Warrenson pronounces: “We’re going to be having meetups and sh*t like that all the time - at Dreamworld, Movie World and probably Sea World. It all depends on attendance. We’re expecting to have about 10,000 members sign up the first year, so it shouldn’t be a problem.”

The events will feature morning ERT, full breakfast, lunch and bottomless jugs of beer for all members. When launched, the club will be open to all Australian residents. Stay tuned to AAL for regular updates.

Arab Cyber Terrorists Strike Again

The forums of popular Australian coaster site OzCoaster.net were regrettably hacked yesterday by ‘Arab Cyber Terrorists’, said FBI agent Barry Wilkes.

“We’ve been working on this case for years now - the case of the Arab Coaster Site Cyber terrorists; that is. Unfortunately, they got to the OzCoaster forums before we got to them. Those bastards. We’ll get them, and when we do, we’ll f*ck them up. We’ll f*ck them up bad”. Mr Wilkes then went into a mad frenzy of cursing and beating his desk.

The incident has sparked calls for tightened security for all Australian coaster sites, even the ones which are yet to open. “We need tightened security measures; we just can’t have these Arabs hacking our forums and getting away with it. I know the FBI are investigating the matter, but it’s just not enough”, commented amusement industry website owner Gary Phelps.

The OzCoaster forums will remain closed until further notice.

Australia’s ACE?

Yesterday New South Wales coaster enthusiast Gregory Warrenson announced he will be starting a coaster club exclusive to Australian residents. The coaster club, entitled ‘Australian Coaster Lovers’ (ACL) is, as said by Mr Warrenson “going to be fu**ing awesome.”

“At the moment, if I want to talk about the latest problem with Intamin restraints, or the influence Ron Toomer had on the coaster industry, I have to go online. With my new club, we’ll just meet up at the parks to discuss important matters like these”.

AAL will encompass exclusive coverage during the formation and development of this exciting new group.

New Attraction is Dirt

To complement Dreamworld’s new line of ‘we can’t be stuffed buying expensive rides, so have this cheap ass one’ attractions, they will be opening a new ‘interactive’ ride at the end of December. The ride will be named ‘Stephen Gregg’s Pile O’ Fun’, and will essentially be a large pile of dirt for people to play on.

Dreamworld Public Relations Manager Jenny Pinklebarn said: “My job is to make our new attractions, no matter sh*t they are, sound great. I could handle the Flowrider; but this time it’s just too much. It’s a pile of dirt for God’s sake. Dirt. Brown dirt. That’s the big new attraction”.

Dreamworld’s CEO on the other hand was excited for the new attraction, and is hopeful it will be a success. “We’re really going all out this year; first the Flowrider, and now a pile of dirt. The Flowrider focused more on the teenage market, but now we’re going after the families. No other theme-park in the world has opened an attraction quite like this one”.

The attraction will be situated at the current Blue Lagoon site, and will cost $400. It is expected to open mid December.