Enthusiast ‘A Little Turned On’ By Spaceshot Attraction

Today coaster enthusiast Steve Patritzia shocked OzCoaster forum goers by announcing that he’s been “a little turned on” by Movie World’s new S&S Spaceshot attraction.

The revelation occurred in Patritzia’s OzCoaster forum thread entitled ‘Anyone else find Batwing Hot?’.

“It just went up so faaaast,” slurred Patritzia, whilst overtly rubbing his crotch and staring at a picture of the tower. “I suppose my sexual attraction to the ride started when it began taking somewhat of a phallic form. It’s very sensual.”

Fellow OzCoaster members are shocked and disgusted at Patritzia’s revelations, with one even going so far as to wish death upon the perverse enthusiast.

“I find it repulsive,” said OzCoaster user superman_escape_rox342324. “That someone could be turned by a ride, it’s just, well, sick. I think Australia should definitely introduce capital punishment for people who find themselves turned on by hydraulically-launched tower rides.”

The news that Channel Ten’s Rove Live will be holding a ‘naked ride’ to publicize the attraction only adds shock to the avowal. Said Movie World staff member #242: “We’re gonna make sure this sick f*ck stays away from Batwing. We don’t want any funny business going down, you hear. You’re not welcome back, man.”

Meanwhile, the exposition has garnered a generally positive response on enthusiast website Boomgen.net, where users agree that Batwing is, as said by Boomgen member cOaSta_fWeaK “f*cking sexy”. 

Boomgen Strengthens Position In Market

Boomgen Entertainment today announced that they will be strengthening their position in the market with the purchase of australianamusementlowdown.blogspot.com, at a price of AUD$20,000,000 - further adding to their portfolio of unsuccessful entertainment sites including Boomgen.net, LuWiigi, AussieParks and the upcoming Launchtrack. “This acquisition further strengthens Boomgen’s position in the Australian amusement site market with Australia’s number one theme park news satire site in the network,” said Jaeger Kindsell, Director of Boomgen Entertainment.

Chief Editor Grady Kindsell vows to keep Australians laughing with the latest theme park satire from around Australia: “AAL will further strengthen it’s position in the market to provide unparalleled coverage of the industry.”

Boomgen Chief President of International Operations John Kindsell also commented on the takeover: “AAL will further strengthen its position in this highly lucrative market. Did I mention we’re strengthening our position in the market? Because we are. Strengthening our position in the market, that is. Nothing like a bit of strengthening. Market strengthening.”

With the impending opening of the Gold Coast’s fifth major theme park and further expansion plans on the horizon for Warner Bros. Movie World and Sea World, AAL will be there to parody every aspect of the new developments.

For Media Enquires relating to the strengthening, please contact Reece Gumm at Boomgen Entertainment: satire@boomgen.net. Strength. 

Alien Abduction Shocks Zencoaster Users

GOLD COAST - - A press release was today issued by local police regarding the mysterious abduction of Zencoaster web-master Timothy O' Toole. Authorities said O' Toole was "captured by little green men” last Sunday night, and taken aboard a “huge silver spaceship,” where he was “unforgivingly probed”.

“The Zencoaster web-master, Timothy, has been recovering from this incident with us for the last few days,” said policeman Fey Kop, with a voice strikingly similar to O’ Toole’s. “This has meant his website, Zencoaster, will be taken offline temporarily, and unfortunately, all those photo updates will have to be cancelled too.”

When questioned on how O’ Toole’s abduction affects the status of the website, Kop paused for over two minutes, before simply hanging up the phone.

O’ Toole refused an interview with AAL, but promised the site would be back up soon.

DreamNova's 'Spark of Brilliance'

DreamNova.com is now trying to cash in on the reputation of another website by registering the domain name roller-coaster.net.au. The astute ploy has been hailed as a "spark of brilliance" by site spokesman Kenny Tuner, who also told of plans to register the domains 'ozcoaster.com' and 'themeparkreview.net.au'.

"Our site currently is non-existent," Tuner said. "So we came up with the idea to leech off another site - you know, see if we can get more hits. It's not our fault if people can't distinguish between .net and .com"

Rumours are flying around the internet as to when DreamNova will actually (re)open, but the majority are of the belief that it will open when the Internet becomes part of our subconscious.

More updates on DreamNova's launch as they come (as long as this site still exists then).

- - BN

AussieParks Under New Management

AussieParks.com today announced at a press conference that the site has recently changed owners, and revealed that under this new management they will be pioneering a new, innovative style of journalism.

The style, which has been dubbed ‘journalistic minimalism’ by AussieParks staff, aims to provide the most up-to-date news, using the smallest amount of letters possible.

“Many of our recent articles, including ‘WhiteWater World construction update’ and ‘WhiteWater World Splashing Early?’ demonstrate the new technique exceptionally,” said AussieParks editor-in-chief Harold Stinton. “Journalistic minimalism involves not only creating exceptionally small, vague and poor quality articles, but also attempts to induce a feeling of disgust and remorse on the reader.”

The site has recently become a target of criticism for failing to cite speakers of quotes used in their articles.

“Uh…yeah, it’s all part of the new technique,” Stinton said on the issue. “We’re kind of trying to get the ‘what the f*ck is this crap’ response from readers, you know? We want to make the reader feel that they’ve actually become dumber just from reading our articles - it’s really great.

“And by spelling the words ‘Macquarie’ and ‘Leisure’ incorrectly in our articles, we’re only enforcing the power of this new style,” added the editor, with a somewhat confused look on his face.

Enthusiast Turns To Ride Op For Advice

Today theme park aficionado and ardent fan of Sea World’s Corkscrew roller coaster, Luke Gilmore, turned to the ride-op of the Bermuda Triangle attraction for medical advice regarding a large ulcer which has formed on his foot.

The enthusiast, who is referred to as ‘Luggy’ on message boards, said he didn’t consider visiting a general practitioner for counsel because it was “more convenient” to just “talk about it with a ride-op”.

“I’m not made of money, you know,” said Gilmore, whilst frantically scratching his inflamed foot. “Doctors think they can charge anything these days, and I’ll be buggered if I’m going to pay $60 just to have some asshole doctor look at me foot.

“I was going to Sea World today anyway,” added the enthusiast. “So I decided I’d find a ride op that looked smart, and see if he or she could help me. Anyway, I found this hot one called Belinda, and, after I kindly told her about my problem, she basically told me to piss off. These people get paid to serve me - the customer; they can’t refuse me service. I paid my admission, I deserved medical advice!”

The aforementioned ride-op - Belinda, said she was initially frightened by Gilmore’s rancid smell and dirty clothing, but told AAL that she still managed to handle the situation in a “professional and respectful” manner.

“I kindly informed him that we’re not trained to treat foot infections,” she said. “But he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. He kept going on about how he’s paid his admission, and that he deserves to be treated. I calmly phoned security, and he was removed from the park. Rumour has it he’s been arrested or admitted to some sort of asylum or something.”

It was later revealed by Gold Coast Police that Gilmore had been in possession 2.4kgs of Cocaine at the time of his ejection from the park. A police representative told AAL “(Gilmore)’s going away for a long time.”

According to trusted sources, the enthusiast’s last words before his incarceration were: “Can I get Roller-Coaster.com.au in here?”

No statement has been released by Sea World.

Zencoaster Deletes Posts

That’s right, as the oh-so-factual headline states; upcoming coaster site ‘Zencoaster’ has began deleting their innocent users’ posts.

It all started Sunday night, when 8 posts were ‘edited’ by site administrator ‘Tony’, to mask the fact that a site launch had been promised for that very weekend. The site didn’t launch, and instead of just making an excuse (DreamNova style), the authoritarian administrator edited all the posts in the thread, to remove any mention of a site launch.

If you think that’s bad, wait till you hear what happened next. For some reason unbeknown to us, today all but two posts were deleted from the thread. Remaining are two posts from Administrator Tony, which talked about the ‘site ideal’, one of which was “Zen Coaster will be YOUR site”. Rather ironic, hey?

Ample time has been given to Tony to reply to an e-mail sent to him by AAL; enquiring about the suspicious activities, but no reply/explanation has been received.

Enthusiast “Isn’t That Funny In Real Life”

When coaster enthusiast George Oliver, 17, met up with fellow enthusiast Mike (known as ‘coasterseffingrock’ on forums), he was expecting it to be a hysterical affair. The two met on the forums of Roller-Coaster.com.au, and frequently chatted on popular instant messaging client ‘Yahoo Messenger’, where George noted Mike’s ability to make witty and sometimes random jokes.

“Mike was hilarious on the internet,” said Oliver, in an AAL exclusive interview. “He would always make jokes about Cyclone, and about the ineffectiveness of Tower of Terror’s themeing. Sometimes he even made random comments; for example, one time we were talking about George Bush’s influence on the crime rate in America, and Mike said ‘McNuggets’. How random is that?”

When the duo met in real life, however, it was apparent that Mike really isn’t that funny.

“When we started talking at Dreamworld, there were no Cyclone jokes, no Dreamworld themeing jokes, and no random comments,” alleged Oliver, whilst shaking his head in disbelief. “He really wasn’t that funny in real life - I should have seen it coming. It was too good to be true.”

Mike however, said he thought the meeting went well, and expressed plans to meet up with George in future. “We had a great time,” he said. “George is actually a lot funnier in real life than he is on the net.”

DreamNova Left Behind

Slick marketing on DreamNova's part, the creator has yet again shutdown the site for 'essential' work as part of REV2. This latest shutdown has been going for 2 weeks now, but how long will it last? It’s anyone’s guess; but if it is anything like the last shutdown, users could be waiting until next year some time, possibly even 2008.

DreamNova spokesperson Kenny Tuner had this to say: “Shutting down the entire site has been un-avoidable due to implementing what we are calling ‘REV2’. REV2 will incorporate the old site with a new and fantastic system, the likes of which has never been seen before in the theme park world.” When questioned further as to why this "new and fantastic system" is being implemented in REV2, when it was promised for the 'old' DreamNova.com, Mr. Tuner replied: “Unlike the old site, searching on the new one will actually produce some results, and we will also be adding some content that is not Dreamworld oriented.”

Unfortunately, at the current rate DreamNova will not have any active members left who will be willing to wait around to support the 'new' site when it eventually re-opens.

--BN

Dreamworld To Raise Prices, Dirtiness

Today Dreamworld CEO Steven Gregg announced plans to “slightly amplify” the park’s ticket prices, and also the park’s dirtiness.

Gregg said that due to the construction of Macquarie Leisure’s new water-park WhiteWater World, the company is slightly “strapped for cash”, and also implemented a new policy which would cut park cleaning staff “slightly more than 99%”.

“Ticket prices will be slightly inflated,” said a perspiring Gregg, after dropping a handful of notes from his trembling hands. “As of December, the cost of a daily pass will be raised to the still-low price of $39,990. We’re also executing a new cost-cutting measure which will render cleaning staff redundant.”

Unfortunately, Gregg’s new scheme involves little more than placing signs around the park which will encourage guests to throw away their waste. “The new regime should…uhh…be really good,” added Gregg, just before he was egged offstage by angry theme park fans.

Luckily, coaster enthusiasts from various Australian theme park websites have grouped together to tackle Gregg’s new regime, which has, inappropriately been compared to the Holocaust by some enterprising enthusiasts. “Down with Gregg!,” screamed one over-enthusiastic Dreamworld fan, who wanted only to be identified as ‘Wipeout Man’. “We can’t let Gregg do this to us!”

Macquarie Leisure stock today steadied at $0.02.