Obese Enthusiast Ejected From WhiteWater World

Yesterday James Rose, a morbidly obese coaster enthusiast from Brisbane, became the first person ever to be indefinitely banned from the Gold Coast’s newest theme park, WhiteWater World.

The incident occurred when Rose refused to cooperate with a park lifeguard.

The enthusiast had purchased from a vendor 7 hot dogs and an extra large Coke, expecting to be able to consume his meal whilst riding the ‘Blue Ringed Octopus’ attraction, but was told by a WhiteWater World lifeguard that eating is not permitted on the park’s waterslides. The lifeguard also informed Rose that he is probably “too fat” to get on the slide anyway.

“I am shocked and appalled,” wailed a dispirited Rose, reaching for another Oreo. “All I wanted to do was go on the waterslide with my hot dogs. I would have been the first person in WhiteWater World history to simultaneously eat and ride. Instead, I’m the first person to be banned from the park. My life sucks.”

The enthusiast’s indefinite ban was imposed upon him when he angrily began cursing at the lifeguard, and threatened to “sue the pants off (Macquarie Leisure).”

Rose now plans to hold a protest outside WhiteWater World in order to dispute his ban, but attempts to assemble an angry mob have met with little success.

“I’m calling it the ‘Rose Rebellion’. We’re expecting a crowd of around 42,000 protesters,” Rose said, whilst searching for ‘How 2 pubic speek like Hitler’ (sic) on search engine Google. “Of course, we’re in planning stages at the moment, so the number is marginally lower than that right now.”

When AAL requested a ‘ball park’ figure of the number of protesters Rose has assembled so far, his reply was “One - - including me.” 

DreamNeva: We’re Launching

In a stupefyingly honest statement released today, troubled website DreamNeva.com announced that the site will launch “when hell freezes over”.

The press release told of the website’s various problems, which included “not being able to figure out how execute a successful navigation bar,” and also “having f*ck all forum members”.

In an AAL exclusive interview, Joseph Stipplefold, DreamNeva Entertainment’s Vice Managing Executive Director for the South Pacific Region said that the site would “no doubt be launching - slowly but surely”.

“We’ve just got to figure out all the bugs; that’s all,” said the overworked Director, who also doubles as Public Relations Manager. “Being a year 8 student myself, I can definitely relate to all those enthusiasts who are looking forward to the high quality content that DreamNeva will offer. It’s really just a matter of time. We’re aiming for a launch at around the same time as when hell freezes over - - give or take. Most likely give.”

Meanwhile, enthusiasts are comparing the website’s unhurried launch plans to those of Zencoaster, and have tagged the delayed duo ZenNeva; a term which is expected to remain unpopular.  

Enthusiast Receives SMS, Celebrates

When coaster enthusiast Braden Packer received a text message on his mobile phone last night, his brothers, sisters and parents alike were all shocked. Packer, 19, says the message signifies the progressive awakening of his social life, and is “extremely happy” to have finally received his first SMS.

“When I got my phone two years ago, I thought I would be getting messages all the time,” told an over-excited Packer. “You know - from my friends and all. It was about a year ago when I actually grasped the fact that I don’t have any friends to receive messages from”.

But Packer’s unfortunate streak of cellular desolation ended last night, when he was the proud recipient of his first ever text message.

“I was just so excited when I heard that message tone beep for the first time - that is, besides the times I would play the message tone myself in the ringtone menu. In fact, I was so excited that I ran down to my local McDonalds and celebrated with an M&Ms McFlurry, before jumping onto the forums and telling my coaster buddies the news. How cool am I?”

Packer’s parents were also shocked at the news that their aberrant son has received an SMS. Said Packer’s father: “It’s pretty f*ckin’ amazing isn’t it? I mean, that someone would want to send a message to a p*ssy arsed loser like Braden. I just hope he doesn't reply to that f*ckin’ SMS; I’m stuck with the bill.”

Unfortunately, no one has had the courage to inform Packer that the message is from mobile service provider Telstra and is intended to notify him of the fact that he’s exceeded his monthly cap due to excessive mobile pornography downloads.