#50

That's right, it's AAL's 50th post, and in recognition of this *cough* prestigious event, we're changing to this new sexually enticing* design!

If you would like to send us a gift, e-mail us, and we'll send you the address of our Cayman Islands based office! No toasters, please!

*Design may not prove sexually enticing for normal people.

R-C Announces Purchase of ‘N00b Filter’

A representative from popular coaster site Roller-Coaster.com.au today publicized the site’s plans to purchase a state-of-the-art ‘N00b filter’, which would filter out all of the website’s n00bs, trolls and threadjackers.

“As you all know, Roller-Coaster.com.au is home to a large amount of n00bs and trolls,” said the spokesperson. “But now, the same company who brought you the PaperBurner forum system brings you the ‘N00b Filter 2000’! The N00b Filter 2000 automatically detects and erases n00bish posts, and subsequently, bans the person who posted it.”

The system utilises new anti-n00b technology from Silicon Valley-based Company ‘N00bitzer Industries’. A representative from the company said the new software was remarkably popular, and a key weapon in ‘the war against n00bs’.

“Our new software really works on the premise that people are absolutely sick of these f*cking n00bs,” said N00bitzer Industries CEO Lee Clarke. “With the success of the N00b Filter 2000, N00bitzer Industries will continue to focus on the anti-n00b market in the future.”

Much debate has arisen over the announcement, with the majority of the site’s 13 year old users protesting the decision.

Blayden_079, a Roller-Coaster.com.au member, said the decision was ‘terible’ and ‘rly stoopid’.

“I cnt believe there doin this,” said the 13 year old. “Me n all the uther n00bs who cnt spel wont have newhere 2 spam. Where wil we go wen we wanna tlk about impotent stuff liek farting in que lines? I wonder if we can join ozcoater or frillhistory?”

The N00b Filter 2000 will be implemented into the Roller-Coaster.com.au forums as of November, or 'N00bvember', as Roller-Coaster.com.au staff are calling it, in light of the new system.

Enthusiast Makes Friend, Celebrates

Today coaster enthusiast and former loner Bevin Nitroso revealed to four of his best ‘net-buddies’ that he has, amazingly, found a real friend.

The shocking news comes after Nitroso yesterday left his home for the first time in 7 months, for the sole reason of picking up the morning paper.

“I went outside to pick up the newspaper,” said a somewhat disoriented Nitroso, still partially blinded from the natural light of the sun. “And then this girl walked past. She said she lived next-door, and then said something about the weather or something. As soon as the encounter occurred, I ran inside and posted about my female encounter on the forums.

“I was just so proud,” added Nitroso.

Two hours after the brief encounter, Nitroso received a phone call from the inquisitive neighbour, who wanted to know whether he wanted to come over for dinner. “I declined, of course – I was bidding on an over-the-shoulder restraint from Thunderbolt on eBay at the time, so I couldn’t leave the house.”

The enthusiast is heavily envied on online message boards, with some enthusiasts calling him a ‘God’, and others ‘the coolest coaster enthusiast to ever walk the face of the earth’; but Nitroso says he’s still the same guy he was before he became ‘exceedingly popular’. “I’m still the Giant-Drop-loving, Cyclone-hating enthusiast I was before all this happened,” Nitroso said. “With popularity comes great responsibility, and that’s why I’m starting the Bevin Nitroso Fund, a charitable organisation aimed at helping socially inept coaster enthusiasts make, and maintain, friends.”

To make a donation to the charity, either call 1800-BE-COOL, or alternatively, send a cheque to The Gavin Nitroso Fund for Socially Inept Coaster Enthusiast, PO Box 242, Seaforth, NSW.

AussieParks Lives Up To Slogan

AussieParks.com today announced that they have completed their goal of providing Australia with the ‘latest theme park news’.

A representative from the site, which hasn’t had a new article published in over two months, said all their articles were extremely late, and that they didn’t plan on publishing a new article ‘any time soon’.

“AussieParks strives to provide readers with the latest theme park news,” said spokesperson Amanda Delanson. “And our most recent article, ‘Big Brother house opens to Dreamworld guests’ is pretty f*cking late, if you ask me.”

The website, which is believed to be in a perpetual ‘beta’ phase, has been online since early this year, and in that time, has posted just 26 articles - again, reinforcing the sites slogan.

“And there’s plenty more where that came from,” added Delanson. “When Dreamworld announce their next coaster, we plan on posting the story about 2 months late, maybe later!”

Plans For 'Nude Picture of Me' Thread Revealed

Self described coaster-fanatic and pornography connoisseur Evan Bucket last night revealed plans to start a new thread on Australian coaster website Thrillhistory.com, which would invite members to post nude pictures of themselves.

The enthusiast (both coaster and porn), said he thinks his idea has great potential, and also expressed plans to open a ‘share your favourite porn site’ thread.

“Things are a bit slow over at Thrillhistory at the moment,” said Bucket. “So I thought, why not make a new thread? My first idea was to make a ‘what’s your favourite movie’ thread, or something like that, but then I thought, why not make a thread which allows other members to post naked pictures of themselves!?

“Sure, I could just go ahead and make a normal ‘Picture of Me’ thread, but where’s the fun in that? I’ve even made up a small set of rules for people posting in the thread: rule number one is no under 18’s, rule number two is no fat people.”

Much controversy has arisen among the online coaster community. Thrillhistory members are denouncing Bucket’s decision to include a strict set of rules. “What’s the point?” said coaster enthusiast Phil Yorke. “The rules are so strict, that basically no one from the coaster enthusiast community will be able to post in it! Anyway, if I want to see pictures of ugly people, I’ll visit uglypeople.com, thank-you very much!”

In the meantime, Bucket has hired a professional boudoir photographer, and is deciding which ‘sexy stockings’ look best on him for the shoot.

Disclaimer – It is not recommended that you visit uglypeople.com.

Tonight On 'When Communities Go Bad'

Sometimes it can be hard to keep up with the hundreds of n00bish threads that are posted on online message boards every year. Ben Roach reports on some of the best ones of the last decade...

Ugh, it’s that time of year again. It’s that time when all the quiet, socially rejected, and, probably, sexually inept coaster enthusiasts clean the empty pizza boxes and drained coke cans off their computer desks and get together to have, in what some would regard, an online ‘spoon-fest’.

The so-called ‘spoon-fest’ involves member’s ‘secret ride-operator contacts’ telling them about the latest 2006 major 400ft, vertical, jumping-giraffe, waffle-making, something-or-other attraction making their way to our Gold Coaster theme-parks (or Jamberoo, if you’re one of those ‘wish I was an actual theme park enthusiast’ enthusiasts).

“It’s confirmed,” remarked one of Roller-Coaster.com.au’s most esteemed members, regarding Dreamworld’s next big thrill ride. “The name of the ride is the Slingshot, and is the next generation in thrill!

"The Slingshot is two 200m high steel poles...Hanging in between is a three-person gondola on massive 'electro-cord' bungee ropes.” Now, while some members belonging to the site’s somewhat controversial forums seem skeptical of the ride looming over the park’s wildlife area, we must keep in mind that Dreamworld are building it because “well, firstly, because Dreamworld can.” Pretty convincing argument.

We all thought Kyle was definitely on to something when he had the entire community spellbound over the park’s big “logistically impossible” feat of engineering, but then he goes on to say that ‘YourWorld’, Macquarie Leisure’s second (second?) theme park is going to be built just down the road at Southport? Ahh, see, now I know for ‘sure’ that that water-park being built next door to Dreamworld is being built by Movie World! Just because Dreamworld whipped your butts when you got Superman, a $12 million roller coaster, and they got Wiggles World, a ‘few million dollar’ corny kid’s area. Sore losers.

However, I can never forget a classic story that always seems to circulate around even after the thread is long, long dead. And closed. It’s always something that “people have been sayin’ round Brisbane” that just must make the idea of “tearing down the thunderbolt and rebuilding it in the type of tracks the cyclone” so obviously, obviously true. And hey, let’s go all the way and make sure we call it something cool. How about “The Hurricane”, those geek-ass enthusiasts will buy that!

Kids, just this year, let me ask Santa not for a gun, but for some serious thrill rides. Sure, Movie World’s new ‘Batwing Spaceshot’ ride will be a great addition, but let’s just keep those shields up, Scotty.

Blue Lagoon Attraction Revealed

Today Dreamworld CEO Steven Gregg revealed the parks’ plans for the Blue Lagoon site.

Gregg said the space would be used for a ‘world class’ attraction, which would cater for the thrill-seeker market.

“The wait is over,” announced Gregg. “December will see Dreamworld opening their most breathtaking ride ever. The unprecedented attraction will cater for the thrill-seeker market, and will almost certainly draw international visitors to the park.”

After a long pause, Gregg then revealed the manufacturer and model of the attraction. “The ride will be manufactured by Chance Rides, and will be the praised ‘Zipper’ model. The ride is not only incredibly safe, but can be easily transported, if need be.

“Now, this is the beautiful part. We got the ride super cheap because there were a few fatalities on it back in 77’. But not to worry, all the safety issues have been resolved, and now it’s as safe as ever.”

A representative from Australian Amusement Dealers, the firm who sold the ride to Dreamworld, called the ride a ‘death-trap’ and said they were happy to have finally got rid of it. “We’ve had that one for decades,” said the spokesperson. “That thing is dangerous, more so than the other Zippers. It really isn’t safe for operation. Luckily, Dreamworld told us they were just going to be using it for spare parts.”

As expected, theme park fans from around Australia are lamenting at Greggs’ announcement. “This is so disappointing,” said Dreamworld fanboy Terry Jones. “That rusty Zipper is about as safe as the Beaconsfield mine!”

Updates on the construction of the ride can be viewed at www.awesomeaustralianthemeparkpicturesincludingbutnot-
limitedtodreamworldseaworldmovieworldandwetnwild.com.au