Gone Fishin'

Deepest apologies (not really) about our delay in posting articles lately. Things might return to normal next week, if you’re lucky. If you are not lucky, however, things will not return to normal, and you will die a horrible death.

Thank you for your precious, precious time.

Zencoaster - Delays Expected

Yet-to-launch coaster website Zencoaster.com is expecting delays in the opening of the site, and is recruiting personnel from Dreamnova.com to help formulate plausible excuses to tell their members, say sources.

According to an anonymous Zencoaster staff member, the site is having major problems which will cause the website to be considerably delayed. “From the looks of it, the site won’t be launching for another year or two,” said the unidentified individual. “So we’ve recruited someone who worked on DreamNova to help us come up with excuses about the delays.

“We thought; if we’re going to be making up excuses, who better to help than someone from DreamNova. I mean, they’re the masters of excuses!”

The reason for the delay is said to be due to the sites’ problematic database. “Problem is, we don’t actually have any pictures,” said the nameless member of staff.

LPS - The 'S' Is For 'Sucks'

It’s big, it’s smelly and it’s expensive. That’s right; we’re talking about seaside amusement park Luna Park Sydney.

In a recent University of New South Wales study, scientists have discovered that Luna Park Sydney does in fact, suck.

“Our two-year study concluded last week,” said UNSW Head of Science Evan Felafel. “And the findings were not surprising. Our extensive research showed that, as expected, Luna Park Sydney sucks.
“The study involved sending one of our top scientists, Winston Jillion, to Luna Park Sydney daily to analyse the parks general performance in a number of fields, including staff friendliness, food quality, pricing etc. As predicted, the park failed miserably in basically all areas. There was one instance where LPS did remarkably well however, and that was the ‘Shitty Carny Rides’ criteria. They passed that one with flying colours!”

Due to the nature of the study, much controversy has arisen among the coaster community. Luna Park fanboy and theme-park enthusiast John Li had this to say: “Why must they degrade my favourite park like this? Shouldn’t they be finding a cure for cancer or something?”

Others were happy about the announcement. “Finally, the Luna Park debate can be put to sleep,” said enthusiast Joe Weston. “Now that it’s official that LPS sucks, those fanboys can finally STFU (sic). It’s a real victory for those of us who are f*cking tired of hearing why Luna Park Sydney doesn’t suck, when it clearly does.”

A Monash University study is currently being undertaken on the suckiness of Luna Park Melbourne.

SP To Replace GD

Gold-Coast theme-park Dreamworld yesterday announced plans to replace their record-breaking Intamin drop-tower ‘Giant Drop’ with a smaller and tamer version of the ride, in an effort to draw more families into the park.

Dreamworld purchased the drop-tower from ill-fated theme park Wonderland Sydney upon its demise, and have kept it in storage up until now.

“The Giant Drop is great,” said Dreamworld CEO Steven Gregg. “But it’s a little intimidating for families, and that’s why we’re replacing it with ‘The Not-So-Giant Drop’. The Not-So-Giant Drop, or ‘NSGD’, as I like to call it, will be around half the size of the current ride, which will make it much more appealing to families.”

At yesterday’s press conference, Gregg also announced his plans for the Tower of Terror attraction. “Yep, we’re ripping that one down as well,” said Gregg. “We’re going to replace it with an educational ride which will be based around the Australian legal system. It’s called ‘Trial and Error’. The kids will love it.”

Unfortunately, theme-park enthusiasts from around the country aren’t happy about Gregg’s new ‘families first’ initiative.

“What the f*ck’s wrong with that d*ckhead,” said distressed coaster enthusiast John Farrell (known as oMfGz_cOaStAz_RoX on message boards). “They can’t bloody rip down GD and ToT - we’ll hold a protest, that’s what we’ll do, and if that bloody Gregg still wants to rip down my Giant Drop, I’ll shoot the bastard.” Farrell then stormed out of his apartment while attempting to feed bullets into his .22.

ProSlide: Not Enough Tornadoes

Canada-based waterslide manufacturer ProSlide, who are responsible for the popular ‘Tornado’ attraction, today announced plans to open a new ‘home use’ division, which will sell and market a new ‘Tornado Nano’ ride.

ProSlide representative Christina Appleby also said the company had plans to ‘massively expand’ their Australian operations.
“We feel Australia doesn’t have enough Tornados,” commented Appleby. “When you think about it, there’s really just Wet N Wild, Whitewater World and Jamberoo who either have this attraction, or will soon have the attraction. Now, we know there’s no chance of the public ever getting bored of this great ride, so we’re launching our new ‘home use’ division, which will focus on selling a scaled-down version of the ride for private or home use.

“The Tornado Nano will have a RRP of $2300 and will make a great addition to any backyard,” added Appleby.

The idea of the Tornado Nano came about when ProSlide CEO Richard Hunter realised Australian theme-parks loved the Tornado. “In a country with such a small population like Australia, you’d expect one Tornado would be enough. But the Australian theme-parks can’t seem to get enough of the Tornado - in one instance, we have two Tornados within 5 kilometres of each other! We feel that Australia would benefit greatly from having many more Tornados, and that’s where the idea stemmed from.”

Theme-park enthusiasts from around Australia seem overjoyed at the idea of owning their very own Tornado. “Australia doesn’t have enough Tornados, in my opinion,” said theme-park fan Henry Fetherton. “And now that ProSlide are selling them for backyard use, I won’t have to travel 7 minutes down the road to Wet N Wild to ride one. How goods that?”

Enthusiast Watches Ride Construction Intently

Rowan Lewis, a coaster enthusiast from Perth, has been following closely the construction of Dreamworld’s ‘Dorothy's Rosy Teacup Ride’, in hopes that it will in fact turn out to be the parks long-awaited 2007 coaster.

The enthusiast, who is known as ‘coasters_r_my_life’ on forums, believes the Teacups ride is a joke, and that Dreamworld will eventually reveal that they’re actually building a new coaster.

“The theory is based on the fact that the supposed Teacups ride is incredibly lame,” said Lewis. “Why would they spend money on a sh*tty Teacups ride when they could be building a B&M flyer,” quizzed Lewis.

Regrettably, the optimistic enthusiast ignores the fact that the Teacups ride is due to be completed in within the next week: “I don’t care what they say; they’re building a new coaster, and I know it. I’m usually right about this sort of thing.”

Unfortunately, Lewis is infamous among the coaster community for his inaccurate predictions. “Rowan’s a dumbass,” said long-time friend and theme-park fan Rob. “Back in 2001 he said Dreamworld would be getting an Intamin Mega coaster. We all know how that turned out - they gave us that hunk of crap ‘Cyclone’. What a piece of crap.”

Enthusiast Discovers New Use of Internet

Coaster enthusiast Frederick Douglas, 17 (known as iNtAmIn_rOx on message boards), last night discovered that there is more to the internet than coaster websites.

In an AAL exclusive interview, Douglas said he’s discovered many other uses of the World Wide Web.

“It’s really amazing,” said Douglas. “The internet can be used for all sorts of things, not just coasters, as I previously understood.”

Douglas was hypothesising about Dreamworld’s next coaster, when a popup appeared on his PC. “I clicked the popup, and it took me to this site called Amazon. At first, I thought it had something to do with Busch Garden’s new coaster, Griffon; but then I realised the site had nothing to do with coasters.”

“I sat there, shocked, for a few minutes, marvelling at the fact that I’d found a non-coaster related website, and then had a look around. Turns out you can buy stuff, and they’ll deliver it to your doorstep; it’s really amazing.”

Douglas then told AAL about his other online escapades: “Well, I don’t know if I should be telling you or not, but last night I found something even cooler than Amazon. It was this website that has pictures of naked ladies in sexually-suggestive poses. It’s called porn.”

Douglas has even shared his stupefying discovery with members of various coaster message boards. “That’s amazing,” said Douglas’ friend Marvin, with a strong lisp. “I never knew the internet could be used for things besides coasters. Well, I guess you learn something new everyday.”

More updates on this shocking discovery as they come.

Post with the Most

This weeks Post with the Most goes to ‘mickey 079’, a user who’s been barraging the Roller-Coaster.com.au forums with utter crap for the last few days. This week we thought we’d do something a little special - instead of ridiculing just one of Mickey’s posts, we selected a few of our favourite quotes.

‘oh does ne1 remember when dreamworld 1st opened and well... i use to b crap?’

‘what do u think about a wonderland opening back up in sydney, do u think it would work?’

‘for the idiot who said SW shouldnt put ne more rides in, y not?

“WERE FALLING BEHIND IN THE WORLD OF COASTERS!’

‘some of our theme parks over here are worth more than some over there but still they have better roller coasters with state of the art tech.’

‘australia only has only 1 inverted coaster’

...‘the rest u sit in carriages’

‘u r all idiots’

‘superman escape is one of the fastest in the world’

‘im not a little kid’ - - Wow, you sure had us fooled Mickey.

Mendacious McWilch Speaks

Yesterday coaster enthusiast Evan McWilch, 31, claimed to have had his 70,000^th ride on Intamin coaster Superman Escape.

In an exclusive interview, McWilch told AAL: “That’s right; I’ve ridden Superman Escape 70,000 times. It wasn’t easy, but I did it.

“Now, a lot of people are going to call me ‘crazy’, and deny my claims, so let’s just clear a few things up. Yes, I reside in the Lovelyville Mental Hospital as a patient, but the doctor says I’m improving, and I might be allowed to leave sometime in the next decade.
Secondly, yes, I am legally criminally insane – but I only robbed those 7/11’s for the cash.

“Now that we’ve cleared everything up, I can get back to my story. It was my 20,000,000^th visit to Movie World, and I was feeling rather feisty. Naturally, I sprinted to Superman Escape - knocking over a pram and an elderly woman in the process. I was the first one in line, of course.
In order to get in the maximum number of rides, I encouraged the lethargic ride-op by screaming insults at her. Being my 60,997^th ride, I only had to ride three times to reach the 70,000 milestone. When I did, at exactly 10:19 that morning, I was greeted in the gift-shop with champagne and a gold-plated plaque. It was the greatest day of my life.”

After an intense interrogation session, however, the coaster enthusiast changed his story. “Ok, fine, I fabricated the entire chronicle,” said the enthusiast, who has earned himself the nickname ‘Mendacious McWilch’ on online message boards. “The story was actually based on a dream I had, to tell the truth. Do you still want to interview me?”

Being a slow-news day, AAL graciously accepted the offer of an interview, but were interrupted by a phone call from McWilch’s asylum that informed us that he had escaped, and was a wanted psychopath.

Dreamworld's New Coaster - The Secret's Out

After almost two weeks, Dreamworld management have finally spoken publicly about their plans for a new Vekoma coaster in 2007.

Park CEO Steven Gregg said the park would be going in a ‘whole new direction’ with the coaster, and also revealed the location of the coaster.

“I’m not meant to say much, but this coaster is going to be awesome,” said Gregg. “All I can say is it will be located in the previous Blue Lagoon site, and will blow you off your feet”.

When asked for a clue about the model of the Vekoma ride, Gregg commented: “I can’t reveal those details, but get ready for some serious sidewinding.”

AAL has discovered similar phrases were used in the marketing of Cedar Point’s new coaster, Maverick. When questioned about this, Gregg commented: “Yeah, I copied Cedar Point. There have been heaps of budget cuts lately, and we had to discharge my speech writer. I thought no one would notice if I stole a few phrases here and there, but I guess I was wrong.
Well, you’ve pretty much f*cked up our entire marketing campaign, so I may as well just reveal the coaster to you now. The coaster will be called ‘Nonlethal Weapon’, and will be a Vekoma Suspended Looping Coaster (765m Extended with Helix). The ride will be somewhat similar to Movie Worlds suspended coaster – Lethal Weapon.”

Gregg was then asked how the coaster will differ from Movie World’s Lethal Weapon: “Well…umm…well ours is going to be blue dammit,” said Gregg.

Huh?

The DreamNova ‘downtime’ page informs users: Sorry! DreamNova is currently experiencing some technical difficulties. We probably know about the error, but if not, you can notify us by emailing us at admin@dreamnova.com. Thanks for stopping by!

Don’t worry folks! They probably know about the error already, but hey, if they don’t, just e-mail them!

Hold on a second, we’re a little confused (as usual). How are we supposed to know whether they know about the error or not? Is there a magical ‘error fairy’ that we’re un-aware of?

AAL recommends users e-mail DN about the blatant error in their very own error message. Actually, never mind, they probably already know about it.

Enthusiast: Get the f*ck off my computer!

After downloading over 2 gigabytes of porn and coaster videos from popular file sharing program ‘Limewire’ last night, coaster enthusiast Daniel Mason has announced his disapproval to those who create and distribute adware and viruses.

“I just wanted to watch a SheiKra POV and see the Paris Hilton video,” said the aggravated enthusiast. “But instead, I get 1001 viruses, and a sh*tload of adware!
Can’t a guy just enjoy some POV’s and porn without getting his computer infected with all this sh*t? F*cking virus-makers.”

The enthusiast also told of his plans to ‘f*ck up’ the creator of Limewire, if he ever meets him. “The fat guy from the computer place said it would cost like $70 to have my computer fixed,” said Mason. “He also said that I’d lose all my POV’s. I had Tatsu, Kingda Ka, Lethal Weapon and even Jessica Simpson.
If I ever meet the Limewire guy, I’m going to break his f*cking legs. Who does he think he is, sending viruses around like that?”

As a polite gesture, AAL offered to pay for the computer repair, and purchased an anti-virus program for Mason. Unfortunately, that program was Norton, so Mason’s computer is still pretty much helpless.

DreamNova Launches, Experts Shocked

This morning at approximately 12:30AM, coaster site DreamNova.com shocked Australian theme-park fans, not because of a ‘revolutionary’ design, or even a ‘ground-breaking’ database, but purely for the reason that it actually launched.

That’s right, the ‘last minute security issues’ and ‘unfortunate bugs’ have all gone home, and are leaving DreamNova’s ‘thousands of readers’ (although judging by the number of forum members, it’s closer to ‘tens of readers’) to enjoy the site.

The opening comes as a shock to many experts, who predicted the site would never launch. “Many of our studies showed that the site would probably never launch,” said University of New South Wales lecturer Alex Smithers. “It really is quite a surprise to us; we never would have guessed that this would happen.”

Members of the public were shocked also. “I just can’t believe it,” said theme-park fan Mathew Robson. “To tell the truth, I didn't think it would ever launch, I’m just amazed.”

The site was due to open over a year ago, but, due to various delays, has been postponed until now.

Long Night for Enthusiast

When asked at work yesterday what he was doing on Saturday night, coaster enthusiast Corey Brown, 37, revealed plans to ‘stare at his coaster pictures’, and then ‘think about how hot the Spice Girls are’.

Brown was asked by an anonymous accomplice (who has requested not to be called a ‘friend’ of Brown for personal reasons) what he would be doing on his Saturday night. “I’ll probably drool over Millennium Force for a few hours, and then watch the Spice Girls movie,” told Brown. “If I can manage to fit it in, I might even make a fondue or something. I like making fondue.”

Brown also told of his plans for Friday night. “Glad you asked,” he said. “I’m going to sit at my PC with a 2-litre bottle of Coke and a bucket of chocolate pudding, and wait for DreamNeva's next ‘there’s a problem with the flux capacitor, so we can't launch’ excuse. I love their excuses.”

Brown has been called a ‘reclusive freak’ by his co-workers, who are sometimes frightened by his unhealthy love of coasters.

“Sometimes he just sits at his computer and drools over coaster pictures,” said a co-worker. “We have to replace his keyboard up to three times a week.”